Wednesday, January 28, 2009
About A Boy
This is kind of an akaward place to start but I'm just going to jump right in and hopefully get some feedback. I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years(hear me out I know this will sound highschool-ish at first). When we first started dating everything was perfect and about ten months in we started talking about our future. We confessed that we felt strongly about being together and that someday even marriage and kids would be in store for us. This was around the time when he confessed to me that he didn't really have a childhood growing up because his father was a 'worthless' father and his mother was a drug addict. He told me he always has had to take care of little sister and the house, sometimes even the bills. His dad used to beat him and his mother was in jail several times, leaving the family in immense debt. Every word out of his mouth was heartbreaking and I couldn't fathom how such a screwed up childhood could make such a responsible young man. About 4 months later he completely changed.Ever since he left his father and sister to come to college he has been different. His temper has become outrageous, he is very quick to anger, and he has become irregularly controlling. I know college is a big step and change in life but I can't help but think it has something to do with his family. I believe it finally caught up to him after all these years and he is taking it out on himself and even me sometimes. Just a year ago he was happy and responsible and had his whole life planned out the way he had dreamed and now he's rebelling against it all. I would really appreciate some feedback not necessarily about our relationship but how to help him and what you think is going on here. Thanks.
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3 comments:
Hey, I'm sorry you have had to deal with this unfortunate shift in your life however be careful. History repeats itself in these situations. Most often you are a product of your environment. Not always though. My husband whom i have been married to for 5 years came from an abusive family where he witnessed his mother being beat often. Since we met and started dating which was over 11 years ago he has never layed a hand on me or our children and has never once even yelled at us. He is the most loving man i think that is alive today. You know maybe your boyfriend does feel sad because he has left his family behind. Maybe some counceling might help to get him through the ruff patch. Any way good luck with this. Try and apply class to all of this referring to attachment styles. I find my self critiquing my family with my notes constantly. Good Luck!!!
I've been in a similar situation before.. my, now ex, boyfriend came from a broken home as well. He never knew his dad and his mom couldn't even take care of herself. When I met him he was in anger management and he never really liked to talk about his family much.. as if he was ashamed of it. Any way, two years into our relationship, his mom was moved into the crisis center and he took it pretty hard, he came to stay at my parents house for a while. Through that transition we had some really, really hard times. He started to act out and get really aggressive, start way more arguements than normal, and it did get physical between us. It is hard to be there for someone who won't necessarily let you. But like the comment before me, counceling might help. My mom finally put him and I in counceling and it helped us sort of straighten things out and got us to understand a little bit more. I'm sure as the class goes on we'll talk more about our personal relationships and you'll get some more insight then. So I wish you luck, give it time and understanding. =)
Hey Girl, I am sorry you have to go through this and that he had such a hurting past that nobody deserves! I have had some similar things in my past that can relate to him in a way and let me tell you, nobody is stuck perminately or chained to a way of life forever, there's always a chance for change and for healing. But, there are generational things that get passed on - whether through genes or through habitual patterns of behavior one grows up living in a producing a similar pattern of their own. There are many ways that he can attain a certain character that can be scary and similar to his family and he might not even realize it - it can be so decieving! So the first step,I would say, would be recognizing the ways in which his behavior is dangerous. Then, as he realizes it as a problem, getting to the deeper issues of why he is feeling or acting that way. This is where the past must be dug up and dealt with or the roots will continue to get deeper. I heard a speaker last night, he is a pastor of this church in texas, and he said "so many people are having issues constantly because they're addressing the symptoms and not the deeper heart issues."
So, figuring out what in his heart is the real issue. Does he feel loved or know how much he's loved, and that it's unconditional? Is he angry about his past? Trying to fix the little symptoms might last a few times, but once a couple mistakes happen, everything is let loose.
And you know, we all have a past, and shoot, nobody is in any way perfect, or we'd be God, but we can't hide it, bury it, or supress it - it will come out and it takes more energy and pain to hide it than to deal with it and heal - fully. So, thank you so much for sharing,and shoot, I will be praying for yalls relationship. Also know too that you can't be the one to fix him and know what kind of man you need for your sake too. I know you love him, but you also need to be loved and treated like gold! Write again as things change!
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